London here I come!
Ok.. not so much a rant this time. More of an update.. with some frustration mixed in.
I am currently waiting on the divorce papers to arrive. They were supposed to be here last week, not sure what the hold up is. The mail here seems to run really slow, so that could be it. My fear is that he is making some changes to the decree. Which really he can’t do without my permission.. and I certainly will not sign anything that I don’t agree to. At the moment he is not exactly in the most reasonable state of mind though.
The kids tell me that he has been drinking again, as of last week, as far as they know…. possibly longer. This is the fourth week that I have been gone, which means he did not stay on the wagon long. Longer than in the past.. but not long enough. All the promises and amends that he made to the kids and me…. meant nothing. Things I have heard time and time again and finally stopped believing. But, the kids really had their hopes up that dad meant it this time. I knew better, that is why I am no longer there. And the guilt trips that he and everyone tried to lay on me for leaving him now… now, when he is finally getting help. Well… I told you so… didn’t I? They can all eat their words now… I don’t care what they think of me anymore. I am doing what I need to do for myself.
However, I am worried about the kids’ well being. Not that I am afraid he will be abusive to them, not physically anyway. Emotionally, he can be a bully though. Now that I’m not there he will be taking things out on our oldest son.. and when he isn’t there..it will be the oldest girl. In fact, he did go off on her this past weekend, because our son wasn’t there. Yeah, it’s scary how well I know him. Well, the addict version of him anyway. I don’t really know him.. the real him. I have only seen him on rare occasions. He seems like a wonderful man, wish he would have been around more often. I know I married that person, but he left me a long time ago and only visited occasionally.
So, now I am in a position of trying to decide what to do next. I can’t go into a lot of detail here.. not yet…just in case.
I am really tired of the drama… but at least I don’t have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore. The not knowing how he is going to be… walking on egg shells… dealing with this person, this addict that I can’t stand. I tried so often to share with him how it felt that the people he works with get to see the best of him everyday… and I was left to deal with the drunk. I saw HIM briefly in the mornings.. but even still it wasn’t the same, he was still under the influence even when sober because his mind was clouded. It’s sad. My oldest son said something so sad to me… he said that maybe his dad will finally figure out that he has a problem (because right now he is saying he isn’t an alcoholic just a heavy drinker) when all his kids are moved out and no longer speaking to him.. and the only friends he has left are other alcoholics.
Speaking of other alcoholics… I was also told that several of his AA friends were over at the house on Friday night. DRUNK. They were all drinking together. Isn’t that nice? One of them, a woman that I met at the treatment facility.. her second time through… actually lost custody of her daughter because of alcohol. There was another man there who was on the verge of losing his wife and kids if he didn’t get help, (sound familiar? ) who I also met at the treatment facility. According to my kids they were all drinking very heavy. She was so drunk she was slurring and could barely walk… she ended up spending the night at the house. The man was too drunk to drive, but, apparently did anyway. What a great example for our kids… how very responsible of their father. And just the fact that my kids know all this and were exposed to it…. really pisses me off. These weren’t his “drinking buddies”… these were fellow AA people.. addicts, people who’s lives have already been destroyed… much like is own….. And yet.. he is not an alcoholic. Whatever.
If it weren’t for the kids.. I wouldn’t even care.
Now I am preparing for my trip to London next month…. I will be there for 10 days!! I am so looking forward to it. I have always wanted to see London, since I was a young girl. My ex always refused to take me.. anytime it would come up he would roll his eyes and suggest some other place. I’ve loved all the places I have been.. I love to travel… but this one was important to me…my dream… and he refused. Also, if all goes well, my divorce will be final on the day I come back. So… This will mark a new beginning for me… my liberation… a celebration of me and my independence! Can’t wait!
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